When Things Don’t Go As Planned
Anyone who
knows me, knows that I had a difficult upbringing. I don’t hide it, I’m not
ashamed of it and I’ve used it to better myself and the life that I’ve worked
hard to build. At 43 (I think that’s how old I am, but honestly I forget almost
daily), I have scars and emotional damage that I’ve accepted I will likely
never completely heal from. However, one thing is for certain. My children will
never look back on their childhood and think that their happiness, health and
safety weren’t my first priority.
As I look
back on the past 19 years since I became a parent, there is nothing I treasure
more than being called mom, mother, mama, and even the occasional Anna when my
daughter is teasing and trying to get under my skin. I pride myself on being a
safe space for not only my children, but for many of their friends who
affectionately refer to me as Mama Berry. I have a sense of peace knowing that
I didn’t continue the cycle of fear, neglect and abuse that I experienced
growing up, but instead created a home filled with love, compassion, laughs and
happy memories. Never underestimate the power that your presence and love can
have on the life of a child. If it wasn’t for those who encouraged and believed
in me, I may not have known how to believe in myself.
I spent the
last 2 years dreading my daughter’s graduation from high school. When I say
dreading, I mean I cried actual tears the year before her own graduation at
just the sight of the high school marquee announcing graduation for the class
of 2017. I was a hot mess at just the thought of her walking across that stage
and beginning the next phase of her life. At the same time, I was praying for
her to find a college where she would thrive and feel accepted for being
herself. As I was counting down the days with dread, this child of mine who had
struggled so desperately throughout high school while battling the insecurities
that depression and anxiety had placed in her head, was counting down the days
filled with the anticipation and excitement of a new beginning.
I knew that
I couldn’t allow myself to wallow in self pity when the time came for her to
leave the nest, so I decided it was time for mama to “find herself” and create
a life outside of the security blanket of motherhood. Who knew that not only
would I find a position that I would so passionately throw myself into, but
that it would allow me to support mothers around the world? Halfway through her
Junior year, I had found a new community of friends (co-workers who became more
like family) and a purpose that I knew would fill the void as both of my
children would do what we’ve raised them to do. Leave home.
Fast forward
to graduation week May 2018. My emotions were in high gear, we had family
coming from across the country to join the celebration, the graduate was
battling through a depressive episode (a.k.a. she was crying, mom was crying
and dad was wishing he could move out) and my son ended the school year
suspended. We’re not even going to go there. The dream week I had envisioned
for so long was quickly turning into a nightmare but I persevered and did what
mom’s do. We pick ourselves up, focus on the tasks at hand and do our best to
make sure everything goes as perfectly as possible. Just to throw in some
laughs for good measure, our neighbor even made an appearance while we were
enjoying a nice backyard family gathering by introducing herself to everyone
while standing stark naked on her back deck!
 |
| Graduation day at Red Rocks Ampitheatre |
As we moved on from graduation and I returned to work, I was ready to spend the summer focusing on creating memories and finalizing the biggest remaining task. Tackling the balance for college tuition. There had simply been too much to do leading up to that point so it was the #1 priority once we got through graduation. Or so I thought…
As I headed
back to the office emotionally drained from the activities of the previous
week, still had a son suspended at home and a daughter just beginning to climb
out of the abyss that is depression, I was happy for the diversion of work and
friends. And then it happened. I had been through it before. Our family had
been through it THREE TIMES before. But it still came out of nowhere and rocked
my world. Another layoff.
As I stood
in the office kitchen cleaning up from lunch only moments after reassuring a
teammate that she had no need to worry about being laid off herself, a head
popped in and quickly asked me to come into the conference room. When layoffs
are pending and your HR person asks you to come to the conference room, you
know. You just do. As I cheerfully said sure and ran to my office to drop off
my lunch, I quickly prayed that it wasn’t happening again. But I noticed all of
the closed doors as I walked down the hallway. I saw the executives walking
towards the conference room at the same time that I was and I knew without a
doubt that it was happening. Again.
I sat numb
as I heard the news. Just as I had experienced before, I went numb and
processed everything as if in a tunnel. I was in shock. I returned to my office
to gather my things and closed the door behind me, breaking into gut wrenching
sobs of disbelief. Suddenly it all made sense. A meeting scheduled for that day
with the CEO had been cancelled a few days prior as I sat at the graduation
ceremony. I brushed it off in the moment but now realized this had been planned
since the day I sat celebrating one of the most important moments of my child’s
life. Suddenly my office filled with co-workers (a.k.a family) who surrounded
me, held me and prayed over me as I sat shaking and sobbing. I felt their love
and oddly enough, found comfort in their own shock at my dismissal. This wasn’t
happening because of something I had or hadn’t done. I was good at my job. I
was respected. I was happy. But suddenly none of that mattered because it was
all gone.
Needless to
say, summer 2018 was going to be drastically different than what we had planned
for.
