Turning Your Pain Into Your Purpose

I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently. I don’t know where I’ll end up professionally, but I do know that I’m meant to help others. If there’s one lesson I’ve modeled to my children throughout their lives, it’s that they can overcome any obstacle life throws at them and use the experience to make a difference in the lives of others.

That being said, I’ve overcome an upbringing filled with abuse and shared my experience to help others. I helped my daughter overcome bullying and taught her how to use the experience as a catalyst to create change. We then watched her fight an invisible illness and once again, use that experience to help others, even while continuing to fight her own battle.

Over the last 4 years, here's what I’ve come to realize. We hear stories time and again from families who have lost a loved one to suicide/mental illness. What we don’t hear enough of are the stories from those who have fought, and are continuing to fight, alongside their loved ones who are still with us. I don’t have the answers, but I do have stories, experiences and suggestions of what has helped us. I find that people come to me frequently for advice on how to best support their child or loved one through bullying or mental health struggles. I want to help and believe I’m meant to do so. Caregivers are often forgotten in the midst of these battles, though we often struggle just as much as our loved ones. I want to be a voice offering support and hope to caregivers.

Regardless of where I find myself professionally, I am now committing myself to advocating even more fiercely for those who need it. The warriors, the caregivers and those who left us too soon. I've recently begun volunteering with The Shaka Franklin Foundation for Youth and will continue to look for additional organizations to donate my time and voice to. Look for a new emphasis with our HOPE program as we seek to reach not only teens, but young adults facing mental health struggles.

My dream? Speaking to audiences with an opportunity to inspire them to keep fighting whatever battle they're up against. Writing a book(s) to share my experiences and provide hope to the hurting. Creating a foundation that can one day provide scholarship opportunities to teens who refuse to let their mental health struggles stand in the way of pursuing their dreams. And maybe, just maybe, I'll have the opportunity to do all of this alongside the one who inspires me daily. My own Warrior.

Keeping It Real – Part 1

When Things Don’t Go As Planned

Anyone who knows me, knows that I had a difficult upbringing. I don’t hide it, I’m not ashamed of it and I’ve used it to better myself and the life that I’ve worked hard to build. At 43 (I think that’s how old I am, but honestly I forget almost daily), I have scars and emotional damage that I’ve accepted I will likely never completely heal from. However, one thing is for certain. My children will never look back on their childhood and think that their happiness, health and safety weren’t my first priority.

As I look back on the past 19 years since I became a parent, there is nothing I treasure more than being called mom, mother, mama, and even the occasional Anna when my daughter is teasing and trying to get under my skin. I pride myself on being a safe space for not only my children, but for many of their friends who affectionately refer to me as Mama Berry. I have a sense of peace knowing that I didn’t continue the cycle of fear, neglect and abuse that I experienced growing up, but instead created a home filled with love, compassion, laughs and happy memories. Never underestimate the power that your presence and love can have on the life of a child. If it wasn’t for those who encouraged and believed in me, I may not have known how to believe in myself.

I spent the last 2 years dreading my daughter’s graduation from high school. When I say dreading, I mean I cried actual tears the year before her own graduation at just the sight of the high school marquee announcing graduation for the class of 2017. I was a hot mess at just the thought of her walking across that stage and beginning the next phase of her life. At the same time, I was praying for her to find a college where she would thrive and feel accepted for being herself. As I was counting down the days with dread, this child of mine who had struggled so desperately throughout high school while battling the insecurities that depression and anxiety had placed in her head, was counting down the days filled with the anticipation and excitement of a new beginning.

I knew that I couldn’t allow myself to wallow in self pity when the time came for her to leave the nest, so I decided it was time for mama to “find herself” and create a life outside of the security blanket of motherhood. Who knew that not only would I find a position that I would so passionately throw myself into, but that it would allow me to support mothers around the world? Halfway through her Junior year, I had found a new community of friends (co-workers who became more like family) and a purpose that I knew would fill the void as both of my children would do what we’ve raised them to do. Leave home.

Fast forward to graduation week May 2018. My emotions were in high gear, we had family coming from across the country to join the celebration, the graduate was battling through a depressive episode (a.k.a. she was crying, mom was crying and dad was wishing he could move out) and my son ended the school year suspended. We’re not even going to go there. The dream week I had envisioned for so long was quickly turning into a nightmare but I persevered and did what mom’s do. We pick ourselves up, focus on the tasks at hand and do our best to make sure everything goes as perfectly as possible. Just to throw in some laughs for good measure, our neighbor even made an appearance while we were enjoying a nice backyard family gathering by introducing herself to everyone while standing stark naked on her back deck!

Graduation day at Red Rocks Ampitheatre

As we moved on from graduation and I returned to work, I was ready to spend the summer focusing on creating memories and finalizing the biggest remaining task. Tackling the balance for college tuition. There had simply been too much to do leading up to that point so it was the #1 priority once we got through graduation. Or so I thought…

As I headed back to the office emotionally drained from the activities of the previous week, still had a son suspended at home and a daughter just beginning to climb out of the abyss that is depression, I was happy for the diversion of work and friends. And then it happened. I had been through it before. Our family had been through it THREE TIMES before. But it still came out of nowhere and rocked my world. Another layoff.

As I stood in the office kitchen cleaning up from lunch only moments after reassuring a teammate that she had no need to worry about being laid off herself, a head popped in and quickly asked me to come into the conference room. When layoffs are pending and your HR person asks you to come to the conference room, you know. You just do. As I cheerfully said sure and ran to my office to drop off my lunch, I quickly prayed that it wasn’t happening again. But I noticed all of the closed doors as I walked down the hallway. I saw the executives walking towards the conference room at the same time that I was and I knew without a doubt that it was happening. Again.

I sat numb as I heard the news. Just as I had experienced before, I went numb and processed everything as if in a tunnel. I was in shock. I returned to my office to gather my things and closed the door behind me, breaking into gut wrenching sobs of disbelief. Suddenly it all made sense. A meeting scheduled for that day with the CEO had been cancelled a few days prior as I sat at the graduation ceremony. I brushed it off in the moment but now realized this had been planned since the day I sat celebrating one of the most important moments of my child’s life. Suddenly my office filled with co-workers (a.k.a family) who surrounded me, held me and prayed over me as I sat shaking and sobbing. I felt their love and oddly enough, found comfort in their own shock at my dismissal. This wasn’t happening because of something I had or hadn’t done. I was good at my job. I was respected. I was happy. But suddenly none of that mattered because it was all gone.

Needless to say, summer 2018 was going to be drastically different than what we had planned for.

When Mama Ain't Happy...

We all have those mornings where everything is planned and timed out to work just perfectly with our schedule and then BAM, something goes wrong. That was me one week ago. Finally after taking the previous two weeks to focus on packing and moving, this was the day I had filled up with work meetings and important errands now that we were finally settled enough to resume life as normal. Morning calls, catching up on emails and then getting ready to leave for a big presentation when just like that, the phone rings. The caller ID says it's my son's school and as I answer and hear his voice, I immediately brush it off and say that I found his lunch that he forgot and will drop it off in a few minutes on the way to my meeting. Only I was greeted with silence, followed by "That's not why I'm calling." Uh oh. Been there, done that before and this wasn't going to be good. Long story, short...someone got themselves in trouble (it was the reaction that caused the problem more than the initial issue that started it) and I was being asked to pick him up. Seriously?! Just as I'm scrambling to get out the door for a big presentation?! I shared my dilemma with the teacher and school secretary and the solution to keep someone in the office for an in-school suspension day versus bringing him home was also an option. And then my wheels started turning. Should I pick him up as I was asked to do but at the same time grant what he really wanted to happen anyway? Or should I keep him there so that he would learn the lesson that there are consequences for his actions and the world doesn't stop just for him? It really wasn't that hard to decide. In-school suspension it would be!

Some of the lessons that I hope my son learned from this experience are:
1. Being unhappy with a situation doesn't justify bad behavior.
2. Those in positions of authority deserve respect and apologies when appropriate.
3. Mom & Dad's world doesn't stop just because you're having a bad day.
4. Talking through your frustrations with others will always end better than shutting everyone off.
5. When Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. LOL, I couldn't resist that one!
6. Mom & Dad will always love you unconditionally but it doesn't mean you will avoid punishment.
7. We all make mistakes but the goal is to learn from them so that they aren't repeated.

So after a day in the office, a lot of apology letters, 3 days with no cell phone or video games and an after school detention later this week...hopefully the lessons above will have left an impact that will carry on to the day when my son is the one answering that call from school for his own child and saying "Uh oh, what did he do?"

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Moving

Excitement, sadness, excitement, sadness, excitement, sadness. That seems to be the cycle I'm in lately with our pending move. Leaving the house we've called home for the past 7 years and thinking how little the kids were when we moved in (preschool & 1st grade) and how big they are now (6th & 8th grade) and I can't help but feel like we're walking away from a big part of their childhood. It's easy to get caught up in the stress and chaos of packing and making all of the necessary moving arrangements but when things slow down for a moment, I'll catch myself thinking "this is the last time we'll do this or watch this in this house." But then I'll also find myself excited about the aspects of our new home and the possibilities that exist for the kids in a new neighborhood. And THAT is what's important to focus on now. We're all going to be sad to say goodbye to our home this week, but we'll also be excited to say hello to our new home this coming weekend. As Mama Bear I think my job is to make that excitement the focus and forefront for everyone so wish me luck!

Social Media: Friend or Foe?

I'm opinionated, I'm outspoken and I have a tendency to get myself into sticky situations because of this. However, these very traits are also why I've been so successful in getting my family's anti-bullying message highly publicized. So take it or leave it, it's just the way I am. I do try to think before I act, but more often than not, I act before I think. Then I do a little back pedaling and fix whoever's feathers I happened to ruffle. And this is the situation that I found myself in this week.

I found a particular situation to be extremely frustrating from a financial standpoint but when it boiled over to affecting my child, Mama Bear was Unleashed something fierce. What did I do? I shared my feelings via social media. What happened? They weren't happy.

Now I have apologized for personally offending anyone through my actions, however I won't apologize for standing up for my child who was an innocent bystander. Because that's what Mama Bear's do.

So this leaves the question...is it ok to share our opinions via social media when we feel we are getting bad service? I would say yes because in this day and age, that's how information is shared and companies do need to be held accountable for the service they provide. Often times, we want to protect others from dealing with the same inconveniences that we had to. However, if we are just doing it to "get back" at someone for wronging us, that's probably not the most effective way to get the resolution we want.

Have you had a similar situation? How did you handle it? Did you get the results you wanted or did it just make things worse? What do you think this teaches us about modeling behavior to our children that encourages them to stand up and speak out when something is wrong, but to also know where to draw the line? I would love to hear your stories, opinions and suggestions!

Reflections

Recently, I'm finding myself reflecting on how quickly the years fly by. Today I filled out paperwork for Robbie to enter middle school next year and for Ashley to enter high school. As if that wasn't enough, we have orientation at the high school tomorrow night. Now THAT is going to give me a cold, hard dose of reality. My babies are growing up.

As hard as it is to accept, I also feel a great sense of pride in the young woman and young man that we're raising. We've been blessed beyond measure when it comes to these two. Not because of the school and extracurricular activities that they excel in, but because of their servant hearts in always wanting to help others. My sweet boy who still insists on having mom tuck him in each night (shhh, don't tell him I told you!) and my independent girl who has gone to sleep for years without even saying goodnight. We jokingly call her our little old lady because she goes to bed so early sometimes! These two have grown up to value family time with movie and game nights, they confide in each other and most importantly...they confide in us. Yes, they both have big dreams and goals and we will support them every step of the way in achieving those goals, but more than anything else I simply want them to be happy. I want them to enjoy the life they create for themselves. I want them to enjoy the families and careers that they will one day have. I want them to enjoy reflecting on childhood memories of time spent together as a family.

I often say that it's my job to be the parent now so that we can be friends later. I consider myself very blessed that more often than not, I can still take on the roll of friend in the midst of parenting. Although it makes me sad to see them growing up so quickly, it also excites me to think about the years we have ahead as friends and the memories that we will continue to create. Somewhere down the road are spouses and children waiting for them and for their sake, it's my job now to focus on making sure my children have the best examples of marriage and parenting possible so that one day we hear "Thank you" instead of "Why didn't you?"

Embracing Experiences

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's have come and gone. This usually makes me really sad since it's my favorite time of year, but I have to admit that this year I'm relieved to move forward and focus on new goals for myself and my family.

My Mama Bear came out in full force at the beginning of November after a business client (whom I won't name) decided to breach our contract and put our lives in a complete uproar. The impact this had on my family for our trip to FL, the Christmas holiday and our personal life in general, put me in full fight mode. I'm proud to say that I successfully wrapped up my case in Small Claims Court last week and while that did bring some satisfaction, more importantly it gave me another opportunity to show my children how important it is to stand up for what you believe. I took a chance by filing in court knowing it might not end up in my favor, but my family always comes first and as I tell my children...you never know unless you try!

I will share that I found myself in a deep depression the last couple of months because of the "inconveniences" that my family was dealt. But in light of beginning a New Year, I want to share the amazing joys that we experienced through that journey as well.

Florida Vacation, Thanksgiving & Miss American Coed Nationals:
A dream my daughter had for nearly 5 years came true mid-July when she won the title of Miss Heartland Jr Teen and with that, the opportunity to compete for the Miss American Jr Teen title in Orlando during Thanksgiving week. As a family, we decided to take advantage of the opportunity to provide the kids with a full Orlando vacation as part of the trip. We were tremendously blessed in our fundraising and sponsorship efforts with only a few expenses left to cover going into November. And then life threw us a curve ball and we had no idea how we were going to make it happen. Through some creativity on my end and the blessings of angel after angel who stepped up to offer their help and support, we pulled it off! Was it everything we had envisioned? Not entirely. Was it still fabulous and something we'll remember fondly forever? You bet! Those angels who stepped forward to help in our time of need, you helped us give our children memories to last a lifetime and we will be eternally grateful. A week of relaxation in the sunshine, family time laughing and bonding, watching our daughter shine throughout her week of competition, spending quality time (and Thanksgiving) with loved ones who journeyed from near and far to join us...it was truly a dream come true.

Christmas:
All good things must come to an end and so it was with our vacation. Reality hit hard when we left the 70 degree temps and arrived home to sub zero weather and all of the financial stress that comes with the holidays when you have unexpectedly lost a large portion of your income. We had already agreed that Christmas would be a much smaller affair this year because of the trip. No problem. I will take memories and experiences over physical gifts anytime. But having someone else's actions dictate that we now didn't even have the ability to provide a small Christmas was almost more than I could handle. And yet again, those angels started appearing and blessing us left and right. Not only did we enjoy a nice holiday, but our children were shown the importance and value in helping others. As my 11 year old son reflected on his small selection of gifts Christmas morning, he shared that next year he wants to have a smaller Christmas again and use our money to provide pillows, blankets and donuts to those who are homeless on the streets. Thank you again life experience for taking Mama Bear's disappointment and anger towards others and using it to enforce the true meaning of Christmas to our family.

New Year's:
And here we are entering 2014. I have new goals that include improving our financial stability (by being more selective in the clients I choose to work with), continuing to embrace experiences over physical possessions, launching new programs with a far-reaching affect for many and learning to simply live in the moment. Often we get too wrapped up in the what if's, why's and when's of the world to enjoy the right now's. The right now's are what matter because today's right now is tomorrow's memory. Do you want to remember stress, depression and anxiety or would you rather remember joy, love and laughs? I know what I choose.